I love how I can be so obnoxious about everything but when it comes to asking things that I care about I chicken out.

I don't get boys

One day they tell you to cover up and then the next day you waste your money for something to flash more skin.

really?

A nice picture with a nice label.

Nothing left to say or do.

You will do great in university

^Thanks mates. Now, if I fail in the coming 10 months your words will be wandering in my mind forever. They expect you to do well, despite falling at first. However, there is no example to follow, no relative who can be your role model other than a brother who couldn't stand his first year. Sheesh. I'm not even that smart.

In fact, looking at some of my course syllabi is already starting to freak me out. And I haven't even paid for first year. Bollocks.

So many things to do, so little time.

I think that because I'm shy and quiet around people I don't talk to very often makes it seem that I hate them. I always thought that would happen; however, I cannot find a way to avoid it. Fuck you german school classmates for bullying.

I remember you said it could only get better, but lately i haven't seen that effort. Especially from your part.

In a world where we want to give and receive, I only request this from some but not everyone. Telling you about this would be like dropping an atomic bomb. It's not getting better or worse, it's being taken away.

I guess

I guess I suppress my emotions too much. Like for example, I left things undone four years ago because I was too afraid to let him know how I felt, and about two summers ago I confessed and my heart hurt like a fucking biznatch. Unfortunately, although feelings were met, the distance was far too... far. And he was going to a club after, which leaves me thinking that he was probably pre-drinking or some crap like that.
But anyways, emotions are a weird thing to me. I either don't care, or care to the extreme where I cannot physically control it; it takes over my body.

Right now, I feel like I do not care. Life is deteriorating slowly as my dad told me that he bought a wheelchair looking thing for my Opi (granddad), which made me realize that 18 years ago he could still laugh and walk without falling. And 18 years ago, I was born.

On a random side note, in German there are three articles (der, das, die), and back in the old days I had to learn which article belonged to the words. My trick was to see which one sounded prettier with the word, and I usually was right. Hellz yeah, I have good taste in languages.

Oh, and speaking of German, I saw my Pre-Kinder and Kindergarten report cards. It says I needed psychological help when I was little. Well, I would love to buy a 1000 dollar ticket and going back to Chile just to show my pre-school teacher that I do NOT need a psychologist; in fact, I am on my way to becoming a teacher -and I was the top in my class when I went to my school, honour roll all through high school in Canada, and I was offered scholarships from the universities I applied, which I sadly declined to pursue my dream closer to home.

...

Maybe I do need a psychologist. Oh well, there are too many expenses and dreams that have to be taken care of before I think of my mental health.

Cheers.

This might sound confusing

But I don't know if I know what I want to do with my life, or if what I know makes me think I don't know what I want.